thank god i'm pretty

Well as you all know my name has made the rounds on all the parenting websites in Brooklyn.  Apparently I am a really great reliable babysitter who is often available at the last minute.  I get a call or email once a week from someone who got my name from someone else.  It is really a wonderful way to make extra money.  Although unfortunately for me there is nothing ‘extra’ about it.  Babysitting is sort of necessary for me to be able to pay my bills on time.  But I’m not complaining, even if I did make twice as much as I do now, I would probably still do it, simply because it is so easy.

As you know I went through a round of parents who got my name off the internet, then just asked me to show up, pointed to the rooms their children were sleeping in and left.  Those were the parents with children who are a bit older and they were just so grateful to get out of the house they didn’t care who watched the kid.  Now I have a new wave of first time moms and dads that haven’t been out of the house in 8 months and are looking for their first babysitter.  They sure got lucky finding me.  I have a Master’s degree and 15 years of babysitting experience.  Not to mention I used to work in the twos room at a daycare center.  I’m top of the line, and I should really be charging more.  Although I feel bad charging people just to watch their TV while their kid sleeps.  Anyway these first time parents have absolutely no idea what they are doing, but at least they ask me questions instead of just telling me when to show up.   Well questions might be a bit of a stretch, they have one question in particular.  “Do you know infant CPR?”  Nope…and I bet they don’t either!

Who knows infant CPR?  Doctors maybe, but I’m not a doctor, I’m a babysitter.  I can certainly guarantee that my 17 year old competition doesn’t know infant CPR.  And to be quite honest since the kid will be asleep when I get there I probably won’t stray too far from the couch while I am “working”, let alone get the kid into the kind of trouble that would call for infant CPR.  But I guess they have to do their due diligence. Although if I were them I think I would be a bit more concerned about the fact that they are letting someone who they have never met before and found off the internet watch their child than whether or not I know infant CPR.

We are about 7 weeks into the stolen wallet fiasco and it has taken a course I never could have imagined. The person…er ingrate who stole it has been arrested and I am scheduled to head to the Grand Jury to testify sometime next week. I never thought the NYPD would actually follow through and investigate. I just filed a report because my credit card company told me I had to and I wanted to get my new ID for free. And they actually found and arrested the person who did it. I have never been the victim of a crime before, but I never would have imagined actually getting justice. So I guess you could say I am pleasantly surprised. I do sort of feel bad for all the money that this investigation cost the city just for a wallet that didn’t even need to be stolen. Although, I guess the person who stole it is the one that should feel bad.

On the up side I have gotten a firsthand glimpse into the NYPD and I have to say it is pretty much what I have seen on TV. Guys named Bobby and Frankie and Kenny solving cases, or not solving cases. All of the detectives I have met have been far too excited and knowledgeable about my case to have me believe they have a high success rate in catching people. But I imagine most people don’t get their shit stolen by people they know so that limits the amount of people who can make a positive ID.

I have gotten to or had to (depending on how you look at it) spend a lot of time in the police station. Most recently to ID the perp. The detectives have been very nice although I am a little worried about the how casually they throw around details of cases in front of non-police personnel. It was excited to hear them discusses robberies and burglaries that I later saw on the news, it really made me feel like part of the team. We were joking around and to be honest it felt very steel millesque. I also felt pretty cool when after I arrived I was whisked into a back room to avoid being seen by the thief. Although I am pretty sure she knows I am the one who filed the police report about my stolen wallet, seeing as how she knows who I am and specifically called to ask me not to (but I will get into that later). I did some loving kindness meditation for her because she surely does need it.

There have been a lot of exciting albeit scary updates in the case since I last wrote about it. Mainly that the thief, after getting caught called me 3 times at my office to yell at me. Yes she yelled at me for going to the police to report my stolen wallet. Of course when it was initially stolen despite my suspicions I didn’t know for a fact that it was her. I just filed a report, they investigated (to my surprise), and tried to pick her up. Had I known it was her to begin with I might have chosen a different course of action, but hey, what’s done is done.

Up until the point of her phone calls I felt really crappy. I only filed the report because I had to and I was saddened to see a familiar face on the video surveillance. I even felt bad about having her arrested, although I found out later it wasn’t really up to me. But I got over that when she called and started yelling at me. There was a lot of “why are you doing this to me?” “Please don’t press charges.” “I had to do what I had to do (when she said this I explained all the reasons she did not in fact have to do it).” “Why did you send the police to my house (cause you stole my shit bitch!)?” She apologized on the third phone call, but at this point I was already pissed off enough not to care and I was reminded by one of my co-workers that she only felt sorry after she got caught.

My favorite part of her phone calls was when she said “Do you want your stuff back?” Yes my friends she actually offered to give it back. How nice. Two weeks after I spent hours and hours cancelling cards and accounts and getting new IDs, she offers to give it back. I told her that everything had been replaced and to give it to the cops when she turned herself in. She didn’t. What she did do however is threaten me on Facebook. After she continued to call the office Bethany for some moronic reason decided to take matters into her own hands (even after I asked her not to) and contacted her on Facebook which led the defendant telling her “things will get ugly” if I decide to press charges. Conveniently her boyfriend/baby daddy just got out of jail on a gun charge. I feel super safe. I now have my first and hopefully last order of protection against this girl.

When I spoke to the DA he went on and on about how dumb criminals are, if she had only worn a hood when she bought the stuff, no one would have known she had done it. If she only hadn’t confessed to me over the phone and to the police multiple times. If only she hasn’t threatened me. When they picked her up last week she was hiding under a bed. That is also something very stupid people do…oh and also toddlers.

I think I have relived enough of this tragedy for the day. Now I am eagerly awaiting my subpoena (not the first I have gotten due to my line of work) and trying to figure out what to wear to the Grand Jury. Something that makes me look mature, sophisticated, believable and victimized. I am taking suggestions.

Now that football season is officially over and I have had some time to reflect on what turned out to be a pretty disappointing season (we’re going all the way next year) I have decided that we are all way too hard on professional athletes, football players to be exact.  I am not going to name names or anything but a certain favorite player of mine was accused of not trying all that hard this year because he isn’t happy with his contract.  It is pretty clear to everyone in the NFL and beyond that he definitely should be getting paid more but because of salary caps and rookie restrictions and all that stuff I don’t really care to understand, he is totally getting screwed.  Yes I know he gets paid a lot of money to run around on a field and catch balls 16-20 times a year but can we really blame him for not “trying”.  I mean I stopped “trying” at work like months ago.  We all seem to hold professional athletes up to standards that we don’t hold ourselves to.  Why?  Because they make a lot of money?  Because they are on TV?  Who knows, but that is a whole other issue.

In this particular case it is beyond clear this guy doesn’t get paid enough, and despite that fact he is still one of the only people on the team that actually shows up to play all the while knowing he one hit could take him out of the game and into a wheelchair.  Besides the whole risking my life just to come to work everyday thing, I feel like me and him have a lot in common.  I don’t try when I come to work.  Why?  Because I am underpaid and under-appreciated.  I have mentally moved on to my next job, just as I am sure he has moved on to his next team and next season (although I really hope he stays).  I am sure you can all agree once you have mentally moved on it is really hard to get it up every day and come to a job you hate with people who annoy you.  So before condemning professional athletes for not ‘taking a big hit’ or ‘trying hard enough’ or leaving their home town team for a bigger paycheck and more recognition think about why you have your job.  Chances are they go to work for the same reason you do.  Money.  I mean after a couple of years everyone ends up hating their job anyway (except my mom), why do we assume athletes feel any differently about what they do?

Why do men have to ruin a perfectly good conversation by asking for your phone number? It’s like come on guys it is 2012 can’t we just be friends? Or can we not be friends and just say hello as we pass each other on the street? I made the mistake of giving out my number to the guy that works at the plant store that I pass each week on the way to the sports bar. Now not only does he call me or text me every day I have to change my route when I am walking around the neighborhood. I used to walk by his shop a lot and say hello and even buy some plants from the guy, I thought we had a nice friendly store owner/shopper relationship and then he had to go ruin it. Of course, I only have myself to blame. I didn’t have to give him my phone number, but I was so caught off guard I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.

My standard line is “I don’t give my phone number out to strangers” but instead of saying that I just started rattling off numbers. He even gave me an out by asking if I had a boyfriend, I could have/should have just lied and said yes. But I hate lying. Plus just because I am single doesn’t mean I want to go out with you (although men seem to interpret singleness with willingness to go out with them).

Since I gave him my number, I have heard from him more frequently then I have heard from my mom and my best friend combined. Even after I stopped responding I still receive text messages inviting me out for a beer or to a concert. The first such invitation came on a Tuesday night at 11:30pm. What kind of girl do you think I am plant shop guy? I am certainly not the kind of girl who goes out with a stranger on a Tuesday night at 11:30pm. I’m the kind of girl who is sleeping on a Tuesday night at 11:30pm. We all know the only things that open after midnight are legs! After turning down many such opportunities to get a drink with him I just stopped responding all together. He can’t take a hint, which is unfortunate for him. And also I suppose unfortunate for me because I have to go like two blocks out of the way to avoid him. I guess I could just man up and walk by and wave and hope things will go back to the way they were before he started text stalking me. But I fear it is too late for that and my only hope is that his shop will be closed when I walk by or that perhaps he will decide to change locations. I feel like this happens to me a lot. Avoiding people that I gave my number to, or avoiding people who I am afraid might ask for my number. I guess this happens to all women. If men could just chill out and stop asking for people’s phone numbers we would all be a lot better off. I mean let’s be honest, it is never the ones you want to ask who end up asking.

I guess I kind of admire the persistence (I’m not that persistent about anything). If I wasn’t 100% uninterested I probably would have gone out with the guy just to get the texting and the phone calls to stop.  I just don’t understand why men call and text repeatedly even after no response?  Just because you have unlimited minutes and text messages doesn’t mean you should use them.   If men put as much energy into important shit as they do into getting laid all the world’s problems would be solved, and I would have a lot less people to avoid.

Well I just had my wallet stolen.  I don’t know if that has ever happened to any of you but it sucks.  It has been over a week and I am just sort of almost getting my life back together.  I have spent hours and hours and hours canceling cards and accounts, and reopening accounts and canceling metrocards and filling out police reports and complaining, not to mention dealing with the fact that the person who stole my wallet is someone I actually know.  Shhh don’t tell; they haven’t arrested her yet.  The detective (that was surprisingly helpful) doesn’t want me to tell people, because the thief might get tipped off, but I‘m taking a guess that she doesn’t read this blog.  To be honest I’m not sure if she can read at all, so I decided the news was safe to share with you.  I sure hope she is in the middle of rolling a joint when the cops knock on her door.  Assuming her Facebook statuses are up to date as long as the cops go get to her house after 5pm she will be high as a kite.  Smoking weed is still against the law right?  I hate to admit it but I kind of like the idea that right now she is just lounging around laughing at me because she thinks she got away with it.  Well in the digital age you don’t ever get away with anything.  Let this be a lesson to all you potential criminals out there, they have cameras everywhere.  Everywhere.

At first I felt bad she was going to get charged with a felony, but then I thought about it and realized that most of the time, well maybe at least 50% of the time, when you get charged with a felony you did something kinda bad.  I didn’t ask her to steal my wallet, I didn’t force her at gun point to buy 3 metrocards and bunch of shit from Seven-11.  I guess I felt bad because part of me still hopes she is a good person, somewhere deep down.  Way deep down.  And good people shouldn’t get charged with felonies.  But I guess good people don’t commit felonies.  After the feeling bad phase passed I sort of started getting upset with her.  After the getting upset phase passed, I just started to feel angry.  That is where I am now.  Angry.  Yes, I feel angry at her, but also at our criminal justice system because it doesn’t matter what type of punishment she gets, I probably won’t get my wallet back (I don’t even want it after she has had her grubby little hands all over it) and I most certainly won’t get the hours back I have wasted trying to clean up the mess that she made.

Mostly I am upset because the other parts of my life are kind of in the crapper right now, so why not take it out on some punk who charged a couple hundred dollars to my credit cards, not to mention stole a really nice wallet from me.

Anyway I was really upset when it got stolen.  Not even because of the money but because it creeped me out that a complete stranger was out there going through my stuff.  I felt totally violated.  And then I saw the security video of the chick buying shit with my card and I felt crappier because I realized oh wait this isn’t a complete stranger, this is someone I know and should trust.  But out of everything I have felt over the last week, I think the worst thing was when I told Bethany what happened.  Why I let this woman make me feel anything is beyond me, but I do.  Sorry, no one is perfect.  Anyway, she was less than outraged because it is hard for her to focus on something other than herself for more than five minutes.  But then I shared the fact that the worst part of it all was the fact I lost my really nice fancy wallet.  Bethany’s response you ask?  “I hear you on the wallet thing, Abby got me a brand new wallet last week.”  Fuck you.  And Abby.  Then she texts me a picture of her fancy new wallet.  A nice pretty bright red shiny brand new wallet that she gets to carry around every day because no one has stolen it from her.  Well isn’t that nice.

Who does that?  Who sends someone who just got robbed a picture of their new wallet?  An asshole.  A narcissistic borderline personality disorder piece of shit bitch that’s who.  But that’s just my opinion.  I told her that it was kind of a bitchy thing to do and she said “I’m sorry for being so insensitive, I’m usually not that insensitive.”  It is insane that a narcissist could lack self-awareness to this extent.  I mean if all you do is think and talk about yourself you should at least know that you are a huge asshole right?  I guess not.  Oh yeah and let me preface this by saying I got assaulted via text message for about 45 minutes this afternoon because I pointed out to Bethany that she forgot to take the trash out on her trash day.  So my anger over the wallet incident was reignited.  Woosah…..

I should stop now.  This has the potential to go to a very very bad place.  I mean it sort of has already.  “narcissistic borderline personality disorder piece of shit bitch” that was a bit much, although all of it is technically true, except for the piece of shit bitch part, that is just my opinion.  The rest is simply the opinion of a licensed court appointed psychologist.  A psychologist whose hand I would like to shake.  No really I should stop.  I feel that feeling of complete and utter rage sneaking up, so I think I will just sign off, finish my glass of wine and head to bed.  No need to be this upset on my own time.  I have all day tomorrow to be annoyed by her, that is if she shows up to work at all.

Well yesterday sucked.  It sucked for a number of reasons, one of which includes the fact that a bird flew into my head.  Yeah, that’s right a bird…flew INTO my head.  Not the whole bird, I just got smacked in the face with a wing, but still, it was quick traumatic.  It is also kind of embarrassing.  It’s one thing to get hit by a car, or a person on a bike or even to trip and fall in front of a bunch of people.  There is something about extra pathetic about getting hit by a bird.  I told my mom hoping to get some sort of sympathy (I must have forgotten I was talking to MY mom) and her response was “what were you doing?”  Really Mom?  Really?  What the fuck do you think I was doing?  Taunting birds?  Well no, I wasn’t taunting birds.  I may make some bad decisions, but I certainly don’t go around daring wild animals to fly into my head.  It’s not like I was walking down the street eating chicken wings screaming into the sky “you’re next motherfucker!!”  I wasn’t waving my arms in the air telling them to “come and get me”.  No.  I wasn’t doing any of those things.  I was walking.  Simply walking down the street trying to get to work.

Her next question was “were you wearing a hat?”  At first I thought she asked because she wanted to ensure my precious head was at least a little bit protected from the predator, but then I realized that she was trying figure out if I had done something to provoke this type of attack.  She wanted to find a nice way of saying “were you wearing something big on your head that drew attention to it (it being my head) making it impossible for the bird to carry on its normal course of business without getting a closer look.” Yeah go ahead, blame the victim.  I get it.  It does seem crazy that for no reason at all a bird would fly right into my head.  But I guess that just proves the point that this particular bird was insane.  Maybe it had bird flu, or mad cow disease or something.  I don’t know.  But seriously, I mean come on.  You have the whole fucking sky to fly in and you decide to nose dive right into the particular section of Atlantic Avenue I was walking in?  We (humans) have no control over the planet and its inhabitants.  It’s all an illusion.

I have always thought birds were really creepy.  Maybe I shouldn’t have been so vocal about that.  I feel like they know I have been talking about them and this was some sort of message.  Like if birds could talk instead of flying into my face it would have said “Listen sweetheart, we know you have been talking, keep quiet for your own good.”  I don’t know.  Maybe I am being paranoid.  No, I am definitely being paranoid, but don’t judge me, we will see how you feel after a possibly disease infected bird flies into your face.  At least it wasn’t a pigeon, those things are fucking disgusting (not to mention quite hefty).  I suppose there really is a silver lining to every cloud.

I was going through some old documents and I found a collection of quotes from my time at the Steel Mill.  I guess my history of working for crazy people started long before I give it credit.  I had hoped to post them all but after rereading a majority of the content I realized that not only was it highly offensive but half of the things that were said are probably in somehow a violation of the 1^st amendment.  I know technically you are supposed to be allowed to say anything but if there is anyone who could be the exception to that rule it is my former supervisor.  Let’s just call him DM, because those are his initials.

“If you can’t kill ‘em all, herd ‘em to Canada!”  – DM (I am pretty sure he was talking about undocumented immigrants.)

“I am so sick of hearing about the Kennedy assassination.  People forget what a terrible president he was.” – DM

“Hey, have you ever walked behind Claire?  It looks like three kids wrestling under a blanket.” – DM (What is the statute of limitations of sexual harassment?)

“Ya know what I did right after September 11th?  I bought a case of shot gun shells!” – DM

“She was promiscuous and went to Vassar.  I guess they were teaching them at that time to be career women.  She was NEVER married.  I mean come on, she was my age!” – DM (This was part of a discussion about an unsolved murder mystery that took place in Cape Cod.  I think the fact that she was an unmarried college educated woman made her death a little bit more acceptable in his mind.)

“This is going to be a disaster.” – DM (In response to a shit load of work dumped on his desk by our corporate offices.)’

“Is there anything I can do to help?” – Me

“Hire an Iraqi to drive bomb into the corporate building.”- DM

I have introduced my parents to Skype.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  Well, actually I was thinking it might be easier talking to them over Skype then over the phone.  At least I will have something got look at while my mom asks me annoying questions.  Plus I will be forced to give them my undivided attention.  No more checking email or playing around on Facebook while I am talking to the people who gave me life, not to mention food an education and lots of birthday presents.  Although now they will be able to see me rolling my eyes.  I figured actually being able to see me while we talk would be enough to distract them and possibly keep them from asking all those annoying questions about whether or not I have a new job?  Am I looking for a new job?  Where am I looking for a job?  What kind of job am I looking for?  Am I looking for a boyfriend?  Etc…..Ugh so annoying, they act like I’m not trying.

We’ll see how long this Skype thing lasts.  My mom seemed to like it a lot, she couldn’t stop waving.  But I should really call them more, they get so excited. It’s like I’m a celebrity.  My Skype sessions with my parents are not nearly as fun as my Skype happy hour sessions with a friend of mine (mostly because I am sober) but if my mom continues to wave, adjust the screen and push my dad out of view they should be at least entertaining enough for me to continue.